May 19th. will be my sweet little angel, Ethan's first birthday in heaven.  His mom Annie made some beautiful suggestions on her blog;  

And would you spread a little love in Ethan's name on Sunday?  Do something nice for someone else. Show them love.  Go out of your way a little bit.  Maybe help someone who needs it.  Bring someone flowers to make them smile.  Donate to a charity.  Tell someone, or some people, how you value them.  Do something typically reserved for special days.  Remember Ethan when you do.  For May 19th is a special day.  Let's celebrate it with Ethan's Love...

http://www.honeybearlane.com/2013/05/the-ultimate-lego-organizer.html#comment-17795

What a super idea!  I have a TON of Lego's and this desk is such a great little work station to build all sorts of wonderful things.

This is what the sunset looks like outside my window.

My new GREAT-GRANDSON! Trystan...Beautiful, Tiffany!!

I Am Blessed

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I have a daughter, Teresa, who I did not raise but who is always here in my heart.  I have prayed and prayed that we would reconnect and yesterday I opened Facebook to see a message, "Mom is this you?"  Praise God for all of my blessings!

This is my daughter Teresa

This is my granddaughter, Tiffany

Could I have asked for a better gift?  I think not!  I have not talked to them since 2000 and have hoped every day that somehow they would find me.  God is GREAT! 

Looking forward to hearing all about their lives and what they have been up to. I am blessed!

Grieving Grandma

There is no denying it... I am a grieving grandma.  I cannot shake the sadness and I feel sad more than happy most of the time.  I feel overwhelmed by the loss of Ethan and I feel angry on behalf of my son and daughter-in-law.  When I hear that my little granddaughter is wishing on a lucky penny that all angel babies would come back to their mommies who miss them I just cry.  Plus, I can cry over the most ridiculous things now, and I just can't help it.  My pain feels worse, my weight goes up, I am driven to get across political views, (which are right by the way) and I feel a bit helpless and hopeless.

I am embedded in grief.  All of the griefs of the past are washing over me... my childhood, my rapes, my miscarriage, my parents.  Everything feels heavy and even though I am popping some anti-depressant.. IT IS NOT working.  I don't think I want it to work.  

I grieve for Josh and Annie.  I grieve for the loss and horror that they have had to face.  I wanted to always protect my children but I couldn't protect them from this.  So many WHYS.  I believe that Ethan was a true gift from God.  More so because the pregnancy was in jeopardy from early on and yet Ethan held on until his parents could have some time with him.  Maybe four days doesn't seem like much those four days mean the world to Josh and Annie.

I am a grieving grandma. 

Proud of A Son

Fosters.com - Dover NH, Rochester NH, Portsmouth NH, Laconia NH, Sanford ME

Off to a great start for my son Josh and his volley ball team.. 

Had a wonderful visit on Saturday with Josh, Annie, Caroline, Jackson and Ryan.  I can hardly believe how big they have all gotten since we saw them at the end of September.  Even though we have done Skype it doesn't do size justice.


Took a few minutes to approach Ryan although he doesn't really have issues with strange people...LOL!  He was all grins  right away.


Annie is heartbroken over the loss of her beautiful little angel, Ethan. It is very important to her that he be remembered as a part of their family which is really understandable.  As I said to her, she carried him beneath her heart, felt his kicks, he listened to her voice and the voices of his brothers, sister and dad.  He is a part of their family and always will be. 


Many years ago I found a wonderful company that has the most perfect gifts for people battling cancer, loss, divorce and illness.  Healing Baskets is just a fabulous company and they had the perfect gift that I wanted to bring to Annie.  One was an ornament for their Christmas tree, a very delicate clay heart with the words, "Forever In Our Hearts."  The other is a delicate silver necklace with a "forget-me-not" flower and a small bead hanging.  It has a lovely little poem in the the box;


"Forget me not
My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget."




I hope I made it very clear to Annie that she doesn't have to wear it but that I wanted her to have it even if she were to keep it tucked away in Ethan's Box that contains so many little memories of him.  Annie's tears still flow freely and I was quite good at keeping my promise that I would maintain my strength when I was with her because I can't be a support to her if she feels she has to comfort me!  God propped me up and we had a wonderful visit!!


So much laughter... Ryan driving, well stepping on the pedal without steering.  The little car going along at a good clip.  So, here are three adults chatting and suddenly Caroline says.."He's going down!"  Well there goes Ryan down this little ravine...heading to some rocks.  Annie, the one who just had a c-section takes off after him and all I see is Annie on the ground laughing, me nearly wetting myself and Ryan totally oblivious to any danger he might have been in.

Ryan and Caroline

I feel so very blessed!!

he's my son-mark schultz (with lyrics).wmv

My son posted this song on Facebook tonight.
         Just a beautiful song...  He's My Son

This is not mine.. for inspiration