Today seemed to be the worst of days. I have always feared just going nuts. LOL I know that may sound absurd but I have had a lot of awful things happen to me since I was born. I have been molested, raped, miscarried numerous times, was sent to juvenile hall because I was pregnant at 15, gave birth at 15 and kept my beautiful daughter, lost a child to her paternal grandparents, been married three times..once to a bigamist, been divorced, lost and re-gained 100 pounds at least three times, lost my father to cirrhosis of the liver, (drink much?) lost my mother to cancer after sitting alone by her bedside for months, was injured at work and have not been able to work since, used up worker's comp and as far as they are concerned I would have been like this anyway, lost my job, lost the fun active life I had, to this endless pain, have five children but only raised four, had a son born with deformities in his hands and feet, another son with ADD/ADHD before it was "in vogue" so there were no services, been on welfare, lived in a falling down house, never said no to a man, cared for a man with CP, estranged from my only sister, the list goes on but to recall more would not be good.
Today, I listened to my husband say things to me and about me in anger that seemed so vile and awful that I could not even breathe. I really did not want to breathe. A scream came out of me like no other time in my life. I was scared. I was really scared. I am still afraid to be honest and this is after all, the cutting edge of honesty.
Today I really thought that I had found the one thing that would kick me over the edge of sanity/insanity. Yet, here I sit writing on my blog. Others can read it I know. I am letting you in to something so personal and so raw. Through all of this I would like you to know;
"I can do all things through Christ, which strengeneth me."
I have known that I am not alone most of my life. I knew somehow that there was a power higher than I, God. It is at this moment that I really am aware of how much strength I receive from the Lord. There is just no way that I could have survived todays assault of words without God's protection.
If things had been different for me and I had just been a girl who went to Jr. High and then High School. If I had gotten a pretty dress and gone to the prom. If I had not been sexually molested as a young girl and then raped repeatedly. If I had learned to have self-respect and protected myself rather than put myself in dangerous circumstances. Well then... I would not have my beautiful children and grandchildren. I have been blessed while sitting in a pile of dung.
Right this moment I realize that I am going to be ok.