Thursday, October 25, 2012

Grieving Grandma

There is no denying it... I am a grieving grandma.  I cannot shake the sadness and I feel sad more than happy most of the time.  I feel overwhelmed by the loss of Ethan and I feel angry on behalf of my son and daughter-in-law.  When I hear that my little granddaughter is wishing on a lucky penny that all angel babies would come back to their mommies who miss them I just cry.  Plus, I can cry over the most ridiculous things now, and I just can't help it.  My pain feels worse, my weight goes up, I am driven to get across political views, (which are right by the way) and I feel a bit helpless and hopeless.

I am embedded in grief.  All of the griefs of the past are washing over me... my childhood, my rapes, my miscarriage, my parents.  Everything feels heavy and even though I am popping some anti-depressant.. IT IS NOT working.  I don't think I want it to work.  

I grieve for Josh and Annie.  I grieve for the loss and horror that they have had to face.  I wanted to always protect my children but I couldn't protect them from this.  So many WHYS.  I believe that Ethan was a true gift from God.  More so because the pregnancy was in jeopardy from early on and yet Ethan held on until his parents could have some time with him.  Maybe four days doesn't seem like much those four days mean the world to Josh and Annie.

I am a grieving grandma. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh Mary, I wish we were neighbors and we could cry on each others shoulders. Crying is healing...... you need to grieve and cry.

    I was looking at and admiring your beautiful family and animals on your slide show. When we're in the midst of depression it's so hard to see the positive.
    I'm praying for you...... I'm praying for this election and our country!


Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment. It means a lot to me. Mary GW